It's Friday morning and I just realized what I nice week I've had. The reason is, that my wife has been all week on holiday and I've been alone with the kids all week.

I'm really surprised what an effect the absence of my wife has had on me. It's a bit sad to say it out loud, but I've had a much better time than I would have if she had been here. This is nothing out of the ordinary, I spend a lot of time with my kids without my wife. We travel a lot with just the three of us and what not. But this time I just realised that I'm much happier without her around.

It's weird how people change. Maybe you don't see the changes in yourself that much and it's easier to spot the differences in others, I don't know. Lately I've been thinking about the past quite a lot, almost daydreaming of days gone by. It's sad to long for someone who doesn't exist anymore. Every now and then I see tiny glimpses of her in my wife's eyes, and that makes it even sader.

I don't know if it's something that comes with the age, but it feels as if I'm thinking about the past way too much. Thinking of times when life felt simple, exciting and full of passion.

It's good to have good memories. I'm truly grateful for all the events in my life and deep down I'm sure I'm building up new memories to think of in the coming decades. I just wish there was something else than just good memories and hope.

I think I'm going to start posting daily to this blog. Or at least almost daily. Just a sentence or two, just to get some things out of my head. I want to see how I will feel after a few weeks of writing.

At the moment I'd just like to sleep and read. Work is so boring (I promised myself I will start looking for a new job in the beginning of next year), my relationship is not going anywhere. There isn't much to enjoy in life, except my kids who are simply awesome.

I couldn't agree more.

Long time since the last post!

I wonder what it is about spring that somehow makes me so sad and melancholic. Is it the contrast of everything around me starting to spring back to life while my own life is running in circles? Maybe, I don't know.

Feels like I’m feeling better at the moment and I’m feeling almost hopeful that things will get better one way or another. Nothing new in the relationship front though, everything is crumpling apart like in the previous post.

It’s weird how lonely you can feel even if you’re surrounded by people.

It’s been quite difficult lately. I think our relationship starts collapsing as soon as I get tired of holding it up. There’s no way I can keep on living like this. I’ve been really depressed for the last few days and I’m so tired of all of this. I don’t think I can take it much longer.

Yesterday I was thinking if we would be dating if we met now. And the answer is a solid no way. I know when the other party has zero interest in me and I wouldn’t push it any further and move on.

I went for a long walk yesterday to clear out my head and I felt a lot better afterwards. I realised that trying to keep this relationship together is not my responsibility anymore and I don’t have to put up with this shit anymore. At the moment I’m in it just for the kids. If new love comes my way I’m going to go for it and be be happy with someone else with no regrets or feeling guilty. That’s a liberating feeling and I’m sure there’s a better future ahead possibly with someone else. But I’m not starting to look for a new relationship. At least not for the time being.

Being in a relationship with someone for over 15 years is not always rosy and peachy. I think the root of the problem, at least for me, is the high expectations and lack of communication.

It's one of the biggest clichès that men need to talk more about their feelings. I think in our relationship it's the other way round. I've learned my lessons a long time ago and talking about my feelings and emotions is quite natural to me. I think that in this area my wife has a lot of room for improvement. Or maybe it's just that she doesn't feel comfortable or safe enough around me to talk about her emotions, dreams and expectations. I don't know.

This is something that I've been thinking about for a long time. Using a blog to improve my mental health.

I don't feel like I need therapy (at least not at the moment, I certainly have needed in the past) but trying to get my thoughts out and in order in this blog feels like a good way to improve my mental health. This is going to be my private, personal diary about anything. Kind of what blogs were originally. Except I'm taking things a bit further and writing everything as if I'm talking to a therapist.

I have no idea if I'm going to keep writing this for long or not, but we'll see. I think it's worth trying out anyway.